the problem is acceptance

A couple days ago, I asked B. if he would have cheated on me anyway, whether it had been Pam or not. He said, maybe not. This kind of broke my heart because it means it was her, and not him, he was falling in love with her and that's why he cheated on me, not what I had previously been told, that he wanted to relive his bachelorhood, and feel free and single again.

I said, "that's probably even worse," and kind of chuckled bitterly. He got upset about this, because I was pushing guilt onto him. My intention wasn't to push guilt onto him, but just for him to know how I felt. If everything I feel about his cheating on me makes him feel guilty, then I can't tell him how I feel about it at all, ever. I just have to keep it in, and deal with it.

He said that's my problem. I can't just let things go. I can't just accept that I'm never going to understand why he cheated on me because he doesn't understand why he cheated on me. I just have to accept that it's something that will not make sense and I have to trust him, that he won't cheat on me again.

Is this guy serious? Blind trust. He's asking me for blind trust. Blind trust after he cheated. And I give him as much blind trust as I can. I have no reason to believe that he was fucking Ricky when I called him. It took him 3 more hours to get to my house, even thought I was having a fucking MENTAL BREAKDOWN. He stayed and "chatted". How the fuck do I know he wasn't boinking her? But I took his word for it, that he didn't. What else am I going to believe? What else could I believe? He fucking wants it all. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too.

He says everything I do to try to heal us, is really trying to heal ME. And I wish it wasn't that way, but I can't think of any way to help HIM. I've tried, believe me I have. I try to talk to him about his guilt, I make suggestions, I ask him what would help. He comes up blank, he is unresponsive to my suggestions, he clams up whether we are talking about how I am hurt, or how he is hurt. I'm fucking sick of this accusation. Yeah, everything I'm doing is trying to heal me, because when I try to heal him he just fucking pushes me away. What the fuck am I supposed to do then? I try, but he refuses everything, and then he YELLS AT ME for only focusing on myself! WHAT THE FUCK.

So, in short. The problem is, I DON'T ACCEPT THAT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED, I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT HE CHEATED ON ME. It's time to lay this whole shit down to rest, I shouldn't fucking talk about it anymore, just leave it alone. Just ACCEPT IT already.

Well, that solves all my problems doesn't it? If I could accept everything that ever went badly, accept getting harassed, getting assaulted, getting hit, getting yelled at, getting abused. I mean, really, HONESTLY, the problem is me. I couldn't ACCEPT that I'm a human punching bag. It's my own fault for having a problem with it, I should just.. not have a problem with these things. Fuck me, it's my own problem. These assholes have no problem abusing people, for yelling at people, for assaulting people. I'm the only one with the problem here, so I should just deal with it and ACCEPT IT. Right? Damn mother fucking right.

I cut myself again. I shouldn't have but I did. I thought B. and I were over, so I thought it was alright. The only reason I stopped was for him. How stupid. How totally fucking stupid. I've stayed with him through all his suicidal stints, and I've never told him, "if you EVER do this again, I won't be around anymore". I always tried to ask him WHY he did it, tried to actually HELP, instead of this bullshit, "never do it again, or else I'm leaving". Is that a fucking threat? Is that an ultimatum? I should have done it again, so he would leave. I should have fucking left myself.

I've come so close to leaving so many times. How come I can never make it stick?

I really don't think I want to be with him anymore. Fuck six years. I don't care about six years. I've spent 4 of them completely miserable.